Have you ever experienced being in such an emotionally challenging month? If I can compare my emotions to a pasta last week, it would be like a fusilli. A fusilli that’s pressed, rolled and spun so it could have its shape. I had that kind of spiral of emotions.
This month’s been fairly heavy. From getting sick on the night of Valentine’s Day, to waking up crying from my sleep (while I dreamt of my Mama) on a Tuesday, to saying farewell to someone I’ve spent quality time with for almost half a year before the weekend, to remembering my Mama’s birthday and Rachel’s passing this month, and to the other personal challenges that I’ve been battling with… I’ve been so vulnerable.
Emotionally I’ve been like a sponge that easily absorbed whatever my heart (and even hormones) easily prescribed. “Cry, JM, cry…”. And it’s not been easy for me. I’m used to being solid on the surface. I grew up in an environment that “crybabies” aren’t celebrated but discouraged. I used to be a crybaby but when I saw that being “strong” is better than to be dramatic I learned how to keep my emotions to myself.
I was a late bloomer when it comes to being emotional. It was only last 2010 when I learned that dealing with your emotions and admitting that you don’t need to always be strong is actually good. It just means that you’re humble enough to admit that you need to grow and that your heart also needs some “prophylaxis”. This kind of heart cleansing prevents you and your heart from being hardened. It’s a kind of protection and treatment combined from within. It’s something that deals and not just buries issues. It’s being mature.
Sometimes, emotions and drama can make you grow. It makes you heal faster and more effectively than being tough on the outside and not letting the wounds be healed completely.
I know that by getting sick, my body’s able to rest and recuperate.
I know that mourning will help heal the hole in my heart.
I know that saying a meaningful farewell means I’ve shared a significant part of myself.
I know that remembering people means I received and given love.
I know that each battles are possibilities for more triumphs.
Be emotional. Cry. Have hope and be healed. Admit your weakness and receive His grace.
In time, you’ll move from mourning to dancing…
“You did it: you changed wild lament into whirling dance;
You ripped off my black mourning band and decked me with wildflowers.
I’m about to burst with song; I can’t keep quiet about you.
God, my God, I can’t thank you enough.”
– Psalm 30:11-12 (The Message)